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[ An uncanny "L" definition ]

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Sep. 1st, 2006 | 11:23 am
posted by: spinallandscape in icarus_society

For those who can read my friend's list, here's a slightly less personal edition of my epiphany.

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It's funny. My 'careing' about my mother is literally not even based on a real emotional bond. My definition of Love, even from the parental relationship forward, is actually more akin to 'debt'. I feel bad when I don't eat the fruit my mom sends in gift packages, because she paid money for it and I should appreciate the gift. I feel bad I didn't get her tool tickets because she has tried to make me happy before, so I owe her one of the few unique sources in my power to give her.

I owe my parents for keeping me clothed and paying for a moderate portion of my schooling. (Though to be honest, I think with my scholarships I paid for more of it than they did.) I owe my mom to not remove her from my life because it would make Her more sad than it would make me to pretend like I care about her. I owe my mom for the chicken soup she made when I was sick, and the home made cookies now on my desk.

But... she's chipping away at all of this slowly... and fucking with my credit negates those cookies. And is starting to chip away at this weird feeling of ownership that she envokes by ...giving me things. My mother's funny. She wishes sometimes that she was more Medusa like (she has said that, word for word) and in some ways, she's just Proud that I'm interesting and she made me.

I sense that from her. Even her praise is more like appraisal. Too bad I'm past the point of being able to be pawned off to cement her place in this world.

You know.. now that I try them.. I don't even think those cookies are home made. WTF.

I really don't understand how such a creature can actually be upset when I'm upset. It's the only positive female trait that my mother ever garnered. Empathy. But she's honed that skill more for manipulation than anything else.

I really don't know what her relationship is with my sister. Other than she tried the whole coddling thing that never worked on me. But as far as I am concerned, I guess I understand why I don't believe in the L word.

And why... if you mean it, and you ask me.... "do you?" "Have you?" "tell me that you..." I can't. I freeze up. Cause if you make me think about it, and Mean it... I can't say something Is when I don't know What It Is.

The only true form of Love that I can comprehend, is this unearthly desire to shelter someone from harm. I don't want Eilla to be hurt by her parents. I don't want D hurt by life. I don't want my parents hurt by outside forces, time, or my sister.

But... that's all I got.

Other than that. L is ephemeral, and lives (partially) inside the most main things-- any human interaction, from a stimulating, bonding conversation to enjoying someone's cock in my mouth. Anywhere you may just enjoy a person for who they are. Anything bigger than that... and you just can't convince me of its meaning.

That's about it. L is the line you cross when you reach the point in any relationship where betrayal is genuinely unexpected. (And thus.. most dangerous.) When you think you can communicate through conflict and avoid the majority of the negative and deception with Understanding. When someone owes you an explanation for an action that you didn't expect, that's love. When they are obligated to be consistant. (Unfortunately, my consistancies in my paradoxes are so fucking complicated, a lot of people just don't get that feeling from me. Funny that. A lot of people also don't feel like I understand the L word. I wonder....)

That's all I got. That's all L is.

And so resurfaces a time and place where I must have two faces, maybe three. So noone is behind me, and all options are open. I shall rest for noone. I shall expect nothing. I shall be pleasently surprised by decent stimulation.

I'll leave before anyone wakes up in the morning.

I feel better now.

Too bad everyone else is just too fucking boring to teach me differently.

<3

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